4/26/2005
haix...mid-years jus started today.haix...and i really dun wish to think about my problems right now.have to concentrate on studying.whatever he wants or doesn't want to say,i won't bother.i won't care.leave everything to after my exams. (= thought it through le.now only left with one major problem.whether i can stick to what i've decided to do.haix...i know i falter easily..that's why i'm trying to stick to whatever decisions i've made.
it really feels terrible to have to keep everything to myself.i cant post everything on the blog,cos there are jus some things i dun want my friends to know.then i also cant keep a diary.meaning i cant write my thoughts and feelings down black and white on paper.cos mom goes through my things when i sleep and she'll read them.haix...so i have to keep everything bottled in me,until one day i die of my thoughts.like how Suyuan Woo died in Joy Luck Club.haix...
i guess it really takes a lot of effort and determination in order to stick to my decisions.if not,it'll be back to my old life,to the life that i wasted away,to the life where unhappiness was an everyday thing.and obviously,that was the life when i failed everything terribly. )= so i vow never to return to my old self.i have to be re-born.to be without him.i shall force myself to withdraw from him...to be independent,and not rely on him in order to get pass each day.but without him,i'll have no motivation in life!haix...i practically look forward to the end of the schoolday everytime,jus to get home and read his sms..but now..things have changed.things are no longer the same.i dunno to be glad or sad.but i guess i should always look at things from a different perspective.to be a grown-up is not easy..i'm learning how to.
with loves; hugxkeiko
4/26/2005 04:29:00 PM
